Want to bring some humor to the holidays? These funny New Year's quotes will get plenty of laughs.
60 Funny New Year’s Quotes to Start the Year off with a Laugh
Updated on Dec. 17, 2024
New Year’s is all about fresh starts, epic parties and, of course, that magical midnight kiss. But let’s be real: Along with the confetti and Champagne, New Year’s can also bring some serious stress. The pressure to set goals and write resolutions (and actually stick to them) can be overwhelming. So lighten the mood and start the new year laughing with our collection of funny New Year’s quotes.
From witty takes on resolutions to hilarious thoughts about New Year’s Eve, these New Year’s quotes are perfect for adding a playful twist to your celebrations. Plus, we’ve thrown in some laugh-out-loud New Year’s wishes to make your captions, cards and posts a hit.
Let’s start 2025 with a smile! Check out some of the cutest and funniest New Year’s quotes below—and make this the year of good vibes and great laughs.
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The best funny New Year’s quotes for 2025
1. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald
2. “It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” —William Thomas
3. “‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.” —Andy Borowitz
4. “Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less new year and leave it at that.” —Judith Christ
5. “Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.” —Barbara Walters
6. “You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” —Charlie Brown
7. “Tonight’s December thirty-first, something is about to burst … Hark, it’s midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!” —Ogden Nash
8. “If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.” —Robert Fulghum
9. “May the new year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue so that I triumph even when I fall.” —Aleister Crowley
10. “Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.” —William Shakespeare
11. “Every new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?” —Ogden Nash
12. “I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.” —Robert Paul
13. “Every New Year’s I have the same question: ‘How did I get home?’” —Melanie White
14. “New Year’s is a harmless annual institution of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” —Mark Twain
15. “Sometimes, a year has been so disastrous and so terrible that entering a new year will automatically mean entering a wonderful year!” —Mehmet Murat İldan
16. “So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1999.” —Prince
17. “Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” —Oprah Winfrey
18. “I would say, ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.” —Robert Clark
19. “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.” —Farquhar McGillivray Knowles
20. “Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year, everybody.” —Phyllis McGinley
21. “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” —Brad Paisley
22. “New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday.” —Charles Lamb
Funny New Year’s Eve quotes
23. “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” —P.J. O’Rourke
24. “Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time.” —Jean Paul Richter
25. “I can’t wait to control-alt-delete 2024 and start anew.” —Unknown
26. “Have a carefree New Year’s Eve and a hangover-free New Year’s Day.” —Unknown
27. “An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.” —Bill Vaughan
28. “New Year’s Eve is finally here, where we can be drunk in public and no one minds. That’s why it’s the best holiday!” —Unknown
29. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” —Bill Vaughan
30. “Happy New Year! It is midnight already, and you are getting old—just go to sleep!” —Unknown
31. “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.” —David Bowie
Funny New Year’s resolutions quotes
32. “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” —Oscar Wilde
33. “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.” —Joey Adams
34. “My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.” —Nia Vardalos
35. “Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average … which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.” —Jay Leno
36. “I made no resolutions for the new year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” —Anaïs Nin
37. “Many years ago, I made a New Year’s resolution to never make New Year’s resolutions. Hell, it’s been the only resolution I’ve ever kept!” —D.S. Mixell
38. “I start out with good intentions but by mid-January, the list will be stuck to my cheek because I napped on it as I watched fit people exercise on cable TV.” —Nia Vardalos
39. “New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” —Mark Twain
40. “My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying, ‘You go, girl’ to myself.” —Zach Galifianakis
41. “If you decide to cut something out this year, try replacing it with something else to balance out the loss. If you stop drinking soda, for example, replace it with becoming more sedentary. You deserve it. You loved soda.” —Colin Nissan
42. “This New Year’s, I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until Jan. 2.” —Melanie White
43. “Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.” —Eric Zorn
44. “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” —Brooks Atkinson
45. “Many years ago, I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.” —Dave Beard
46. “New Year’s resolution: 1. To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging. 2. To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” —James Agate
Funny New Year’s wishes
47. May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions—which never last very long. Happy New Year!
48. Here’s to another year of pretending we know what we’re doing. Cheers to 2025!
49. Wishing you a New Year as awesome as your Wi-Fi signal—which is surprisingly strong.
50. May your New Year be as smooth as your filter game on Instagram.
51. New Year, same old me—but I’ll still wish you all the best!
52. Cheers to remembering to write “2025” instead of “2024” by April.
53. May your New Year’s resolutions last longer than your holiday leftovers.
54. Wishing you a year full of success, unless it’s my turn to win.
55. May your new year bring less drama than a group chat during election season.
56. Here’s to a year of actually doing those plans we keep canceling!
57. Happy New Year’s Eve! May you party just hard enough to have fun but not hard enough to spend the countdown with the toilet.
58. Cheers to a year of figuring out adulthood—for the 10th time in a row!
59. May your New Year’s resolution to hit the gym result in at least one push-up.
60. Happy New Year! May your wallet be as full as your online shopping cart.
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’ve been sharing our favorite quotes for over 100 years. The sayings and quips that appear in the magazine’s “Quotable Quotes” (formerly “Remarkable Remarks”) are curated from interviews and essays originally published in the magazine, reprints from trusted titles and other verified sources. For this piece on funny New Year’s quotes, Emma Taubenfeld tapped her experience as a former assistant editor for Reader’s Digest—and writer of memes, social media captions and pickup lines—to ensure that all information is accurate. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
